The Wisconsin National Guard cares about your relationships

By Wisconsin National Guard Public Affairs– May 10, 2011

Maj. Doug Hedman

Chaplain, Wisconsin National Guard

Married couples typically spend more time planning their wedding ceremony than developing skills to build a happy, enduring marriage. Do the math — that doesn’t add up to happily ever after!

Current statistics (Olson&DeFrain, 1997) show that more than half of married couples are divorcing. A significant percentage of married couples experience serious marital conflict early on, indicated by the high divorce rate in the first years of marriage. The average marriage today lasts about six years — clearly, couples are not prepared to deal with the challenges of marriage.

However, right now I’m not talking about marriage, or trying to pressure anyone into marriage. I’m talking about relationships — I want to talk to those of you who have never dated, those who are currently dating, and those who have gone through a divorce and are looking for a healthy relationship.

A relationship has its ups and downs. The ups are great — the downs can prepare you for future dates. But the worst aspect of dating is going out with a loser. What exactly defines a loser is open to debate, but everyone agrees that they don’t want to date one! With an honest heart and a level head, you can avoid dating a loser.

As a civilian pastor, it bothered me that the church as a whole did not do a better job of helping people make better relationship choices. For many engaged couples who entered my office, taking the marriage survey was the first time they really asked the tough questions about different aspects of their relationship. Some decided not to marry until they truly took the time to discover who they were, and who the person was they planned on marrying.

I was excited to discover the P.I.C.K. (Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge) program to help people make better relationship choices. (Participants receive a book entitled “How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk [or Jerkette]” — can’t get much plainer than that!) However, for many singles the program was too expensive.

But the Wisconsin National Guard will provide this information to you for free, as part of a weekend retreat. One small preview to the P.I.C.K. retreat weekends is the following tool to help make good relationship choices:

For example: Too many couples don’t take the time to know someone before jumping into other relationship aspects, and discover later on that they went too fast.

The proven steps are:

1. Know the Person

2. Build Trust

3. Can You Rely on the Person?

4. How Committed are Both of You to the Relationship?

5. Touch.

One of the big mistakes people make is thinking they can change the other person, when in reality the only person we can change is ourselves.

Listed below is a small sample of some helpful hints in developing healthy relationships during a P.I.C.K. weekend:

1.    Take your time at the start of a relationship. While it may be fresh and exciting to meet someone new, it is only with time that you really get to know someone. A person can make a strong first impression and turn out to be a loser. Conversely, someone could make less of a splash at first, but turn out to be a true gem as time goes by.

2.    Be honest with yourself. If someone is incredibly attractive but you still feel like something is missing, then something is. Maybe the person you are dating is a little vain, or maybe they aren’t as caring as you would like them to be. Just ask yourself what you really want and whether this person can provide it.

3.    Give blind dating a try. Blind dating, when set up by a friend or someone you really trust, can be uncomfortable. Nevertheless, if your friend knows you well, he may actually be able to fix you up with someone who has everything you need.

4.    Leave anyone who ever does anything that physically hurts you–no exceptions. Some people fool themselves into thinking that their partner will never do it again, but why take the chance? Your safety should always be more important.

5.    Make sure your partner has plenty of his or her own interests. If they’re homebodies that never go out or motivate themselves to get involved in other activities, they’re probably never going to push themselves too hard to achieve their own dreams, instead relying on you to support them.

Here is what Staff Sgt. Connie Fueherer has to say about attending a P.I.C.K. weekend:

“I thought the weekend away was excellent! I learned a lot about myself and what goes into a picking a partner. I applied what I learned and am happily married to a service member who is currently deployed. I would highly recommend this to anyone who is serious about dating and finding the right person.”

Your relationship matters to us and we would love to have you come to one of our P.I.C.K. Retreat weekends. To learn more about the P.I.C.K. (Premarital Interpersonal Choices & Knowledge) program go  www.nojerks.com or register for a P.I.C.K. Retreat.  You can also visit Wisconsin’s Service Member Support Division site for information on P.I.C.K. and much more.

You can also call me at 608-630-1660 with questions or comments. And if you’ve attended one or our retreats why don’t you tell others about your experience here?