‘Our Life Together Includes PTSD, but is Not Run by It’

Posted by Ariel Place, Military Spouse on February 15, 2011

Recently, Ariel Place was among other military spouses who attended the Deployment Health Clinical Center’s Significant Others Support Group. The week-long program offers support to the significant others of service members who’ve recently graduated from the center’s Specialized Care Program. Ariel shared with the DCoE Blog how the program helped her to better understand her fiancé’s post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and restore their relationship.

When people are drowning, often there is no sound, no call to attention as they silently and desperately gasp for air. This is how my fiancé, Army Sgt. Andrew Young, struggled with his PTSD, survivors’ guilt and grief.

An outstanding soldier, friend, son and partner, he tried to protect those around him from feeling any transference of his pain by trying to deal with it alone. Sometimes, he would isolate so much that my own self-doubt and insecurities would add to the struggle. Over time, the demons of self-isolation fought the need for connectedness; pride fought humility; fear fought help-seeking; and frustration fought love. We were losing each other.

There was never a lack of effort on either of our parts, but when each other’s reactions weren't as we anticipated, we would take them as failures. It began to feel like our relationship was failing despite our tremendous efforts.

His time came to attend the Specialized Care Program, a three week session at Deployment Health Clinical Center (DHCC). During those weeks, he explored a range of emotions, including those he had hidden from since his deployments. He began to see himself for the amazing man I knew him to be, and he realized how his own struggles with PTSD affected me and our relationship.

In the third week of the program, he told me he couldn't keep doing this to me, to us, and he wanted to end our relationship. I was speechless. I had seen so much progress, so how could this be? Then I realized - this is when I needed to stay. I told him that I wasn't going anywhere, I loved him and we were partners in everything. I told him I had chosen him and our life together. He never tried to walk away from me again.

My own week came to go through DHCC’s Significant Others Support Group. Despite my college degree and work experience in psychology, I still needed guidance. I was able to step out of my own world and really see things as they were. I discovered that I had been defining Drew by his PTSD symptoms and remembered that there was so much more to him: he’s a musician, goes to the movies, cooks, plays lacrosse with me at the park, reads, and is quite the romantic.

The support group helped me find my balance again. I see Drew and I as a team composed of two partners working together. For a while our efforts had us accidentally working against each other. This program helped us improve and utilize the tools and methods we already had in place, as well as add new proactive ones we had not tried yet.

This experience has united us even further. Our life together includes PTSD, but is not run by it. We are happy.

Ariel and Drew are getting married this May in Stephens City, Va.

For more information about DHCC’s programs, visit www.pdhealth.mil and be sure to check out “Military ‘Significant Others’ Find Comfort and Friendship” article in the February edition of DCoE in Action.